11/8/03 10:10am
No rest for the weary. I slept poorly last night starting about 1:30. I must have fallen asleep in bits and pieces but it seems as if most of my night was spent awake, uncomfortable, damp and amidst a flurry of worrisome thoughts about upcoming tests. Finally at 6 I got up, put on some dry clothes and settled on the couch with a warm drink, a blanket and a couple of books. The first book I started to read is about a man who lost his wife, and then his children’s experience with his death. I felt some odd obligation to continue reading as the book was a get well gift. Rather ironic, but I don’t think she read these. Or maybe there is a message here for me. I have never so much wanted to avoid anything to do with death or people’s experience with losing a loved one. Sometime I will need to go back and address this mortality issue, but not right now. Then again - since it keeps coming up, maybe that’s exactly what I need to address.
This morning I am feeling very tired, but not wanting to try to sleep. I am hoping this afternoon I will have a chance to take a nap. If not, I will likely fall asleep at the movies tonight when we go to see the Matrix (the3rd one).
Dr. LaCroix called in an estrogen prescription for me last night. I was going to pick it up today, but when I called to confirm they said they don’t have it in stock. I can’t pick it up until Monday afternoon. I would like to scream. I just want to get started on the estrogen to get started on feeling more normal so I feel better able to cope. Now I am postponed another 3 days. Plus I was hoping to start on a Sunday since that seems the simplest day to change a patch on a once a week basis, You are almost always at home on Sunday night.
Now I’m thinking how being home Sunday night has everything to do with going back to work on Monday morning. What about those people who don’t have that Monday association. Hmmm. The more I am home, the less I feel like going back to work. Some of that may be just the emotions. Physically I think I can start back. Emotionally I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with being that “normal”. And yet, being normal is what I wish for the most this morning. I’m not sure exactly what that means. Just to return to before these events or do I really want to go back even farther than that - before the RA. Yes, I think that’s it. I recently heard someone talking about how when something happens that scares us, we just want to find way back to place we were before we knew there was something to be afraid of. But you can’t ever do that, because the experience changes you. I don’t feel like myself, that’s for sure. I felt like this before but not for so long. I think I went through something similar last summer related to my frustrations with the RA and the limitations on my abilities. Maybe the tumor was happening then and impacting my hormones and contributing. Maybe maybe maybe. Actually Dr. Wong told me that the tumor could have been affecting pain in my legs or other parts of my body as well. My legs have been much better, but I haven’t been doing all the same activities either.
Monday is going to be a day I get sucked into being gone all day. Dr. Rippa at 10:00. Pick up the letter to go back to work around noon. Kinney’s in mid-afternoon. These are the kind of days I would like to live closer so I don’t feel like staying in town is the practical thing to do. Maybe I can visit with Pat in between.
I am going for now. Becky and I are going to take the recycling into Monkton. That really means I drive and Becky does all the work.
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